Peace

My word for 2020. I’ve wanted to share for a couple of weeks, but struggled to because I haven’t felt much of the word— peace.

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I asked myself, “When was a time I felt the most ‘peace’?”

Immediately, my heart took me to a mountain in East TN where I sat on the back porch, overlooking the most beautiful night sky, with a girl I recently befriended. We were YoungLife leaders and had been chasing and ministering to High School girls together for almost 2 years. Yet, we hardly knew each others stories.

As we sat and chatted about our past life, the ones before college, I began to spill out a lot of me that I hadn’t shared with anyone else. Stories of shame, mistakes, points of vividly seeing the Lord’s hand, and even times of darkness where I was convinced God didn’t exist.

After I spilled out the very being of who I am, I was terrified. I had taken off the mask I hid behind all these years. Her response was the peace of God that I had longed for, but didn’t realize I needed.

She looked at me with such grace, “Wow. Me too.” I could breathe deeply for the first time in a long time. It was like I had been holding my breath all these years.

I was at peace with who I was because I was finally accepted for just that— not that I had always been rejected prior, but I’d never fully shown up for anyone to have the opportunity to see me and accept me for me.

That was 4 years ago. I’m out of college, working, and still pursuing high school girls, yet again, struggling to find the peace I came across in the mountains that day.

I’m reminded that peace comes when I let go. When I let go of my fears, insecurities, doubts, but more importantly, when I let go of the mask that hides all those fears and insecurities, and hand it all over to our Savior.

But that takes a lot of courage.

I’m still working on mustering up some courage to pry my fingers open, praying I can let go and trust the Lord with it all everyday— and find peace.

That’s my goal for 2020.

In the process, I keep the image of the mountain top where God met me as I stepped out into who I am— Gods beloved.

I encourage you to let go, be vulnerable, and show up (unmasked). I encourage you, because I know without a doubt you’ll find peace, and well, because I need that encouragement too.

Psalm 139

“You have searched me, Lord, and you know me.”