I have felt much like this in the last few months—floating in the unknown. all while fighting deep shame for not knowing, not having a plan, direction, or even a desire for what might be next.

our worth has been defined all our lives by what we do or what we’re going to. the common questions, “what do you do?” or “what’s next?” or “what’s your plan?” seem to start and carry our conversations. although they’re not bad questions, we’ve been trained to answer to impress.

as I’ve been asked these questions in the last few months, anxiety has filled every part of me as I attempt to answer... because my shame is the judge and “I don’t know” doesn’t seem to cut it.

I recently got married and quit my job. and now I am wading off to who knows where. one might think marriage is the end goal. but it’s not and it never was. for some, next, is motherhood. and soon, God willing, for me too. but not yet.

and so I sit here in stillness. attempting to accept and be thankful for what it is:

stillness.

while trying not to splash around, and prove my worth, saying “look at me, I’m doing something with my life.” because the reality is, the Lord has called me here. to sit in stillness. to be a wife. to learn kindness toward myself. to be creative. to enjoy God’s presence. to be available. to be a friend.

and it is the hardest and most beautiful career I’ve ever had.

it’s not forever. but is for now. and I’m slowly learning to pick up my feet and sit at His. because He is the judge and that’s all he asks.